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Buying Johnnies in the queue at Tesco's



A man was in a long queue at his local Tescos store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the check-out.

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms,Till 5.'

The next man in the queue thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...




'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

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Boy moves into new apartment...


A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby
to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think
that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... "well that was me."

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Sex with the light off

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous..
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You'd better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

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Golf Balls

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.


'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.


He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.


At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.


She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.


She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

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The sexy Speech Therapist joke




A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". "That's no better.

There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".

"Brilliant, Paddy" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".